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drealovesdive

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Eno, that Crazy girl! [Aug. 29th, 2004|09:40 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |dorkydorky]

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Mom... you're a jerk... [Aug. 28th, 2004|02:17 pm]
drealovesdive
[mood |infuriatedinfuriated]

Why my day has sucked thus far....

1) My mom comes into my room to tell me how lazy I am at 11:00 when she herself had just gotten up and she had not stayed up until 4:00 in the fucking morning working on her science like I did... this is all metaphorical by the way... she doesn't HAVE science to do.. I'm just stating...

2) I get out of bed, no argument.. like usual, and I'm yelled at for talking to her. Ridiculous? yes... very.

3) Tells me to go call the places back that have turned me down five times... unrealistic. I call them anyways. She yells at me.

4) I make a big list of places to go find a job, and she says I should have done this weeeeeeks ago, but mom, I can't go anywhere without a fucking car or bike! And she had refused to take me other times because it took too much out of her day. Which I understand, but don't act like a total hypocrit and yell at me later about it

5) yells at me for not having my license. This just frustrated me more then anything, cause everytime we go somewhere I ask if I can drive and they say no, then tell me I need more practice. Well how am I supposed to practice mom?!

6) I take a shower and do my hair so I can go get some possible interviews. I'm wearing a blue button up long sleeved shirt(fits very nicely btw) and my best pair of jeans, a different purse, different earing and nice makeup... and I look like crap to her because I'm wearing flip flops. AGH!

7) She yells at me because I keep telling her we're on the wrong street and she calls me retarded or something, then refused to apoligise even though I was right.

8) She decides I'm dressed poorly and takes me to catos and trys to make me wear old lady clothes... and this is certainly NOT going to get me hired at the buckle.. when they want someone pretty and hip. not hippy! AGH!

9) I take her to Old Navy to show her how they have nice clothes too and how they're age appropriate. She turns her nose up at everything! I had some really nice stuff too, on sale. She then throws a fit and says we're going home!

10) I don't talk to her all the way home cause everything I say pisses her off so I go to my room and she calls me out and hands me three book from the early 70s and late 80s and says I should pretty much dress like a school teacher for interviews. She thinks just because she taught fashion that she's the only person in this house who knows how to dress correctly. This is the same lady that said I looked fat yesterday.

11) Then she states she doesn't want to talk to me and sends me to my room...

12) and tommorrow... I know she'll say, "Why the fuck won't you get a job!?" Because you're so fucking self centerd, that you won't take the time to actually listen to your daughter and notice that she's trying to do the right thing no matter how hard you try to prove me wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cought a wart on a pair of scissors today and I'm gushing blood, so I run for the bathroom cause I don't want it to drip everywhere, she yells at me cause she can't wash her hands... FUCK YOU! I try to put my earing in and it starts bleeding as well, I'm cleaning up the mess and she calls me stupid and yells at me for calling her self centerd in front of a client. FUCK YOU! So now I'm sitting in my room steaming mad because parents are always convinced when they are right... even though they are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY off the rictor scale.

13) My mom's turned into a monster... and it's just not normal behavior for her. I don't know what to do. How can I get a job if she refuses to take me out to get one.
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SKULL! [Aug. 28th, 2004|10:14 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I smoked a chocolate cigarette today. It was tasty. I licked my lips and it tasted all chocolatey. I really realised today how lonely I was when I started to feel like a 5th wheel... Lonely in the since that I had absolutely noone to cuddle with when all my friends where uber cuddly. I mean, I'm happy for each and every one of them that they have found someone to love, I mean, it makes me so happy, but really sad at the same time. I haven't been kissed in so long. I miss it...

I had a dream about Calvin last night... and he was real... but then I woke up, I realised how stupid it was to think someone like him existed. Then I cried... I think I cried for an hour then went back to sleep. and then my mom woke me up with the south park song in below entry... I just dunno. Life isn't worth living if you don't have someone to love and mostly, someone to love you back. I want what Lizard and Tony have... they're so happy. And it makes me happy. Weee... not really, but happy for them but sad for me.

i'm an idiot...
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who knew? lol [Aug. 28th, 2004|09:37 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |okayokay]

DUCKY
You are a duck!! You can be cute if you let
yourself... Sometimes you have too much self
pity and think people hate you. Remember that
you have friends and be happy. Life is so much
better when we keep ourselves happy!


AcidtripAnimals
brought to you by Quizilla
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OMG they killed Kenny!! You bastards! [Aug. 28th, 2004|02:26 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |boredbored]
[music |Hey Mama]

This morning I awoke to my mom singing the South Park theme song in my ear... yes, my mom now knows the words to the theme song cause I've been watching it so damn much. She then dumps an Eskimo Joe's cup of water on my face. I was all not sleeping last night. I couldn't. You ever get those feelings in the pit of your stomache when you feel like you've forgotten to do something?! Or like... you get a creative idea and need to do it immediately. So I didn't go to sleep until like... 7:00. I woke up at 12:00, so it's not like I didn't get enough sleep.

Sadly, I am watching room raiders on MTV and reading everyone elses LJs in mild amusement. I'm so glad everyone's doing so well. It makes me happy when they're happy. I do need to go somewhere today!! I need to get some elmers glue and more magazines so I can finish the covers of my scrapbook. It's gonna be very nice.

I've lost 10 pounds, which is a big deal for me, even though you can't truly tell when you look at me. It won't start showing until my water weight goes down some more, but I'm certainly getting there ^__^ (proud) But my boobs are still the same damn size... My mom says most likely, like when I was anerexic my waist will go down alot but my hips and breasts will stay the same. Which is good I suppose sin I want to be a model. Hopefully by halloween I'll have lost 20 pounds, enough to wear something slutty and funny. That way I won't be the fat girl wearing skimpy clothes(which is GROSS) no flab hanging out for moi! I'm a smidge more tastefull then that. Not much, but a little~ lol

My mood is still majorly down but I think that's majorly because I'm feeling very alone. I base my life on whether or not I'm around someone. I need to get over this! it's just silly. But I caint halp et! lol I love spelling badly... which I do unconciously as well. Moo... My eyes hurt!!! Damn glasses!!! AGH!

want a picture? oh, ok, I'll give ya one... hehe


BOOBIES!!! lol... I hate them -_-()
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People are ridiculous [Aug. 28th, 2004|01:38 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |South Park]

I mean, what's the point of commenting on someone's journal just to act like you know more about something. It's retarded. And I know I'm hypocrit for saying retarded when all I do is get mad about it. But jesus. It pretty much means they have no life but to read their "friend's" or random person's journal and comment annonymously just in spite. It's stupid.

I'm still a little depressed, but, feeling pretty cool. I hung out with Manda and Jesykah today... with a ton of other people. It was nice to just forget and laugh. I had so much fun by just laughing and hugging my sides. I feel so comfortable around these people. They love you, for you. It's nice. Alot of my friends are like that lately. I like it, and being with them pulls me out of the dumps. But when I'm alone I get paranoid and think about how they're talking behind my back... which makes me sick. I just remember Brendon saying that Anna was mad, and I wanted to throw up. Why on earth would I purposely ruin such good friendships. I just can't help the way I feel sometimes. And now... I'm being accused by some random person that I'm a leach or gargoyle(but I dunno what that means) it makes me laugh though. Cause this person is most likely describing themselves. I have never laughed so hard. I mean if they hadn't felt so bad about themselves they wouldn't have been commenting in my journal, now would they? lol.

I'm starting a fantasy now ^___^ it's by Gail Levene(sp?) the same lady who wrote Ella enchanted(very good.... btw) I've only read the first page so far, I just didn't feel like reading. My eyes where really sore from reading with my new glasses. I geuss it takes time to adjust.



to you mr. or mrs. annonymous! lol
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The perks of being me... [Aug. 27th, 2004|06:04 pm]
drealovesdive
[mood |indescribableindescribable]

Have you ever felt, infinite? Like you are empty and full at the same time? Because alot of your life has been complete, but there's still more to come?

I've been reading alot lately, mostly to keep my mind off of things, but I read a book which put me in a frame of mind, I'm not sure is good for me right now. It ends very well, by not really ending, you know? And the boy goes through so much and he talks about how you think "there's always someone who's got it worse" but really, you know what, your problems seem the world to you. And that's what's important. I highly doubt that any of this is making since to anyone but me... but it helps to write. I read the book in two days. I just couldn't put it down. I lived his life. Alot of the books I'd read had been like that, but this one made me sick. Because it was my life... And the poem in the book ripped me apart. I remember feeling like that... and here it is.

It has no title... and no author... but read it, I urge you to. It'll make you sad, but it'll make you think about how things change.

Once on a yellow peice of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's all it was about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts

That was the year father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him into bed at night
and was always there to do it

Once on a peice of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem called "autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's all it was about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write it more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of it's new paint
and the kids told him
that father tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Clause
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocense: a question"
because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year that father tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
and he cought his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother anf father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

So... I felt sick and I couldn't really stand after I read it. I just sat on the couch, alone, not thinking about anything at all. Just the words that this poor soul had written as a suicide note. He felt his life had no meaning... and I felt worthless, and cruel. What if I had known this kid... or my mom, or my dad... or my sister. What if they had been my friend.

So the question is...
does anyone really give a damn?

Not about me. Depression traps you in this feeling that noone wants you. That, you're still secretly being talked about, and not in the best of light, but in the way that would make me want to cry again. Cry hard. Because I would be empty and full at the same time... just to know that it will be ok again... but at the moment it's not. And I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Cause I'm still the bad guy and people don't return my phonecalls or return my comments. So... I shall just sit alone in my room and think.
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empty [Aug. 27th, 2004|06:32 am]
drealovesdive
[mood |listlesslistless]

unloved....

unwanted...

un full filled.

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Let's talk about sex baby.... [Aug. 26th, 2004|06:46 pm]
drealovesdive
[mood |determineddetermined]

I don't really want to talk about sex, but I DO want to say some things that are wondering 'round my little mind...

1) why people have to use others... in bad or meanie like ways!

2) why guys find me completely unattractive, unless they live in another state.

3) why no matter what, drama is a HUUUUUUGE part of my life, even if I'm not directly involved...

4) why I just ate four bowls of rice and soup after not eating for two days... even though I know it's gonna make me fatter then I already am

5) why I can't marry Trey Parker or Matt Stone...

6) why there's a cute guy sitting sorta across from me, and I'm too scared to even smile at him (LOSER)

7) why nerds are fucking attractive to me...

8) why druggies or abuseive people are attracted to me

9) why everything reminds me of South Park

10) and the last "why" is... why did I make this into a list?!

Anyways... I've been feeling really sorry for myself lately, seeing as how I'm completely alone in the cuddle, cuddle department. Gimmee cuddle, cuddles Calvin... even though you don't really exist. :( I wish you did... Tony and Lizzy are cute, but it makes me sad that I don't have someone like that! awwwww.....

now... a random picture!



HAHA!!! I love this! It's so freaking cute... and sick at the same time! DON'T KILL THE KITTENS BRIAN!!!

-love Eno(j/k!)
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Bring me macaronie pictures! [Aug. 24th, 2004|02:51 pm]
drealovesdive
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Yeah... so I'm updating just for the heckla of it. I thought I'd post on this whole moon child, season child, and... me, patch girl! :giggles: So this reminded me of an episode of South park... which everything does now adays! lol but there was an episode, where Cartman and Kenny think they have their periods cause they have some sort of stomache sickness... well, anyways... Kenny is goddess moon! And it reminded me of Lizard and I have a picture!



Yesterday was fun, and I got a whole bunch accomplished today! So now, I'm gonna go eat somethin' and dance around my room!
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