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The perks of being me... [Aug. 27th, 2004|06:04 pm]
[mood |indescribableindescribable]

Have you ever felt, infinite? Like you are empty and full at the same time? Because alot of your life has been complete, but there's still more to come?

I've been reading alot lately, mostly to keep my mind off of things, but I read a book which put me in a frame of mind, I'm not sure is good for me right now. It ends very well, by not really ending, you know? And the boy goes through so much and he talks about how you think "there's always someone who's got it worse" but really, you know what, your problems seem the world to you. And that's what's important. I highly doubt that any of this is making since to anyone but me... but it helps to write. I read the book in two days. I just couldn't put it down. I lived his life. Alot of the books I'd read had been like that, but this one made me sick. Because it was my life... And the poem in the book ripped me apart. I remember feeling like that... and here it is.

It has no title... and no author... but read it, I urge you to. It'll make you sad, but it'll make you think about how things change.

Once on a yellow peice of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's all it was about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts

That was the year father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him into bed at night
and was always there to do it

Once on a peice of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem called "autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's all it was about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write it more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of it's new paint
and the kids told him
that father tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Clause
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocense: a question"
because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year that father tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
and he cought his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother anf father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

So... I felt sick and I couldn't really stand after I read it. I just sat on the couch, alone, not thinking about anything at all. Just the words that this poor soul had written as a suicide note. He felt his life had no meaning... and I felt worthless, and cruel. What if I had known this kid... or my mom, or my dad... or my sister. What if they had been my friend.

So the question is...
does anyone really give a damn?

Not about me. Depression traps you in this feeling that noone wants you. That, you're still secretly being talked about, and not in the best of light, but in the way that would make me want to cry again. Cry hard. Because I would be empty and full at the same time... just to know that it will be ok again... but at the moment it's not. And I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Cause I'm still the bad guy and people don't return my phonecalls or return my comments. So... I shall just sit alone in my room and think.

From: ex_littlesas754
2004-09-02 06:20 am (UTC)

new to group

Hey, just found this site a friend gave it to me. I was reading a lot of sites on this and came across your's. That person sure was mean to you. I'm sorry that you got slammed from that person. I know how you fell. And the poem said a lot to me also... If you know what i mean... Some people just see words but others have been touched by the words as you where. When i read a book or poem or just sometimes watch a good movie it hits me hard... I once saw this movie about a girl who drank and she would drink after school and then it got so bad that it started before and during and after each class. Well you know... And when her parents left for the weekend she would beg people to get it for her. She would drink untill she passed out. It was one of those after school special thing on TV.

This hit me big time. it was me "WAS" is in the past. It's a long story. But i can say that in the end this poem was me also... I also wrote that note calling for help to save me from myself. My friend can and could not understaind... They don't live my life and i don't live their's. I still fell like they talk about me, also i just see the diffrents when i am around them. They are great friend and i am sure i don't appreat what they try to do for me becouse i hurt and they can't help the pain go away no one can but me.

Ok well that is enough of that boo hooing. If you ever want to talk i would like that. I also invite you to my site. I don't have it all the way up yet since i am new. Well i do but i screwed it up and it did not print. lol... Later chk
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[User Picture]From: drealovesdive
2004-09-02 09:11 am (UTC)

Re: new to group

you sound like a very sweet person and I think we shall become good friends! I'm adding you to my friends list, so add me, k?
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[User Picture]From: drealovesdive
2004-09-02 12:50 pm (UTC)

Re: new to group

hmmm, you sound uberly adorable! I'm sort of punky, street style and I love pink, but it's agive in at my house. My mom makes Barbie clothes for a living, so her perkiness has rubbed off on me. And you're aloud to talk about whatever you want, whenever! I'll be here to listen.
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[User Picture]From: drealovesdive
2004-09-02 02:00 pm (UTC)

Re: sunset's, sand and water

lol, you didn't offend me, silly! And that sounds interesting.. the wraparound thingy. lol. And I love the beach. It's so lovely there! send me pictures! and you do not sound like you're three! You sound very grown up ^____^
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[User Picture]From: drealovesdive
2004-09-03 11:22 am (UTC)

Re: shit and barf

I'm really sorry about all of your troubles right now... :huggles: and I actually designed a gothic outfit for my mommy to make. It looks neat, but my mom named it something stupid "going goth" lol. haha she's so dorky, but it's more of that gothic lolita outfit. like ballet skirt thigh high tight, big shoes... a bat choker and a black tube top, and arm bands. It's more cute then cool, but I heart it very much since I designed it!
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[User Picture]From: drealovesdive
2004-09-04 09:46 am (UTC)

Re: All gone Ronny told me how to deleit. it all sorry again

why are you leaving????
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From: ex_littlesas754
2004-09-05 08:38 am (UTC)

Sorry i was told by ronny that i did something wrong.

Becouse I though you would be mad at me. I made a stupid ass out of myself. And i was so rude to you. I like southpark also. it is funny. Ronny told me i made a ass out of myself and this is not how i should act like on this or any site. He told me after showing me your site and all the other things you wrote that i just insulted you and mocked you.

Really I did not no anything I only came to that one site. And i liked what i read. I was once in this onesite but i can't seem to get back there again but yours was on it and everyone else. Well ! I liked you you where real.

But he said this is not what this site is for. It is to let out all the pain i have in side. And only to make comments. it is not to talk to people something about a chat room or something E-mail. I don't have one of those. I am using my Dad's computer when he is not around. I have to wait untill he goes to work or go to sleep.

I still would like to talk with you if you don't mind. I don't have any real friends. Well ronny he runs my life. Like my site says is this my life???

Ronny has convienced me to spend the night at his house with the rest of the friends so we can go surfing and boating in the evening and morring since it is laborday. I know they are only doing it becouse they feel sorry for me. Maby they like me but i dont feel like they do. Tehy all say it is me and in my stupid head.

I was so upset yesterday that i walked all the way to hollywood. It took all day and night my feet hurt so bad. Then I called ronny to come and pick me up. he was so mad at me. I was starving. Stupid me i forgot about food and money.

I went looking for cloths but could not find what you decribed I am going to look at thrift stores.

Well Ronny is here so i guss it is time to go. I just herd him pull up. On with the black bathing suit and black surfbord and thongs and beach towl. My mom hates black but my dad love it. he once told me that it was his favorit color. and to go for it.

Well later chk. See you on Tuesday or so.
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